The Insecurity Cycle

Generally speaking, we’ve all got things that we’re not one hundred percent comfortable about regarding ourselves. Be it a physical feature, a character trait, or a deep-seated fear, there’s probably something about ourselves we don’t like. Lately, I’ve been taking stock of my own insecurities and working to figure them out and find healing. However, as the healing process began and I started to develop a more pragmatic view of my flaws, I realized a very obvious truth: how we view ourselves directly affects how we view, and therefore treat, other people. So…if we’re insecure about something, we’re going to view people through the lens of that insecurity and therefore treat them differently. It’s hard to view insecurity from that side of the cycle until we understand what that “different treatment” may look like. 

Consider these three scenarios:

1.    1.   A single mother has led her children through hell and high waters. She made some awful decisions, and truth be told, she and her family were not always in the safest environments as a direct result of her choices. She begins to doubt herself. She begins to feel insecure about her role as a mother. In response to her insecurities, she begins lashing out at her children, accusing them of not being thankful regarding the things she does for them. She tells them they’re not good children, and because of this, they begin to doubt themselves. “Are we selfish? Are we mean? Are we bad people?” they begin to ask themselves. The children begin to feel insecurity as a result of the mother projecting her own insecurities onto them. 

2.    2.   Laurie is a nice girl, but she has some personal things that she’s working on. Then one day, she meets Katie. Katie seems to be ten steps ahead of Laurie, and it appears that she’s already worked out a lot of the things that Laurie really wants to improve about herself. In response to feeling inferior to Katie, Laurie begins making small comments to Katie about how “perfect” she is and how she “has it all together.” These comments aren’t mean, but over time, Katie starts to feel the pressure of living up to these assumptions. You see, even though Katie is amazing, she’s still on a journey of improvement herself, and these comments (along with similar comments from other people) start caging her in. Katie begins to feel like she has nowhere to turn, because as a result of Laurie’s projected insecurity, Katie suddenly feels that she has an image to live up to that she can’t humanly handle. Katie begins to feel insecure as well. 

3.      3. Caleb has been in a lot of bad relationships. He’s dated girls that haven’t been nice to him, and have never given him a safe place to land. He’s never felt cared for, and as a result, he has a hard time feeling worthy and important to people. After awhile, he starts dating Lucy, who cares very much about him. However, Caleb can’t shake this insecurity that he’s not truly cared for by women, so he constantly rejects Lucy and pushes her away. Lucy then begins to doubt herself. “Why doesn’t he find me worthy after I’ve given so much to him?” she begins to ask. As a result of Caleb projecting his insecurity regarding self-worth onto Lucy, Lucy then begins to develop her own insecurities about self-worth.

If you’re the mom, Caleb, or Laurie, it’s hard for you to see how your insecurity is affecting other people. We tend to see insecurity as something that happens to us as a result of other people’s actions, yet we fail to see that our actions toward other people cause the same result. And here’s the truth: for every one of these situations, there is a counter-insecurity that causes a person to respond in a certain way – thus demonstrating this vicious cycle. What do I mean by that? I mean that although the mom is projecting insecurities on her children, her own insecurities come from someone projecting their insecurities on her. Same thing with Katie and Caleb.  So, what’s the solution? You’ve got to make a cut. You’ve got to stop in your tracks and refuse to dance in a circle any longer.

But how?

Personally, I generally would rather suffer than to let other people hurt. I tend to keep pushing through a situation hoping that I can help somebody else when really the situation is just hurting me. You see, the truth that I avoided for a long time was this: you can’t give much good to people when you yourself are a hurting person on unstable ground. I always ignored my own issues and tried to build over that by focusing on helping others. But what I kept finding was that because I still had a foundation of insecurity, I really wasn’t helping anybody – not to the best of my ability anyway. Eventually if you keep pushing through like this, you’re going to start to cave in. The best way to help other people is to make sure that you go through a season of healing in your own life. Then, with newborn clarity, you will be able to give to people out of a clean and vibrant heart, not a heart that is riddled with insecurity and validation issues. Realize that maybe your weaknesses are hurting somebody you care about, even if you can’t see it. Although Christ should always be our first motivation, sometimes He uses people we love to open our eyes up. For me, seeing the pain and struggle that my actions were putting on somebody I cared about motivated me to get my life straight.

For anyone who has insecurities, the root is always because you’re finding your identity and your validation in somebody else but Jesus. No matter where you are in this cycle at any given time, the solution is to stop receiving these rays and to stop sending them out. You fight insecurity by going to Jesus and asking Him who you are. He is the only one who knows your heart, and He is the only one who can create new life in any dead part of you. Jesus says that you: are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), a friend of God (John 15:15), justified and redeemed (Romans 3:24), a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17), chosen, holy, and blameless (Ephesians 1:7). The best part? He promises that “He who began a good work in you is faithful to carry it out to completion” (Philippians 1:6).

When we view our insecurities, we tend to look at them as in a mirror – only seeing how they reflect back to us. We need to begin looking at them as through an open window – seeing how they project from us and into the lives of people around us. Because although they bounce back and hurt us, they also find other points of impact. No matter where you are in the cycle, you have to be responsible for your own feelings and your own actions. Just because somebody tells you something doesn’t mean you have to accept it or think on it. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You don’t have to prove your worth, you don’t have to prove your uniqueness, you don’t have to defend your family or your past, you don’t have to lie, you don’t have to fake it, and you don’t have to live at the mercy of others’ opinions. You know what else? You don’t have to tear other people down for the same things that you’re struggling with either. Focus on removing the plank from our own eye before you start ripping other people apart. The Bible says to “take every thought captive,” so if something is not life-giving, don’t ingest it. If you take care to find your identity in Christ, let Him work out the not so pretty aspects of your personality, and replace those nasty parts with Himself, then you’ve already broken this cycle in two places. First of all, you’ve protected those around you from the effects of projected insecurity. Secondly, you’ve protected yourself from stewing in your own pessimistic views.  All of this is done by the simple yet profound act of choosing Jesus over all else.

Take heart! "You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."